self medicating with Carbs

I have gained 6 pounds since my miscarriage last Friday (19th.) Six. I hadn't gained any weight in the first 3 months of my pregnancy...actually due to morning sickness, I was down a few pounds, but it seems that my mind, body or something is coping with the loss of my baby with carbs. I feel like a robot. I just shove food into my mouth, serving after serving, without even thinking. I don't get a 'full feeling' ever, so I just keep eating. Now, it's true that I was nauseated for the majority of my 12 weeks of pregnancy, so maybe it's just that I have an appetite back, so somewhere I am embracing that. But the longer this continues, and the more I'm coming to realize what I'm doing to myself...the more sick I get about it.

I need to hold myself accountable. Just because I lost my baby, doesn't mean I should let myself get lost as well. Right now, it's not about a fear of being fat. It's about a fear of being unhealthy and thus making my family unhealthy. I need a new plan. I need to start writing things down again. Establish a pattern to reboot my habits. So, welcome back to the blog that started it all 12 months ago.

Starting Weight 147. I have to get my hands on a measuring tape to post measurements.

plateau broken?

plateau broken?

I don't want to get my hopes TOO high, but I think I may have FINALLY broken the 145 streak. I've been stuck at 145-148 for MONTHS AND MONTHS. Like 3-4 months. This past weekend I weighed in at 144 for the first time since like February. I was at 142 in the winter, put on 5 pounds in the spring and could not get rid of them.

I start bootcamp again in a month or so. Now that the air isn't 90 degrees at 6am. This should help me lose these last 10 pounds. 135 is my ultimate goal. I've given myself until November to get there. It will make 1 year to lose the 50 pounds.

My desire to to stay below 140 for a year before Chris and I start trying for a 3rd. I know. I know. I say every day 100 times a day that I'm done, but we all know there's a 3rd baby. I just can't think about even having that baby until we are a year closer to Chris graduating, and it would be nice if by the time she comes, that Simon is in preschool and Ava is in 1st grade, so that I actually have time for the babe. So, there. Happy? I said it. There's a 3rd. There's a plan for the 3rd to come. I just need to be healthier. Happier. And far LESS busy.

holding steady

There haven't been many posts here, because there is nothing to really report. By 9am, by house is at 80 degrees every day so, exercise isn't really happening. Our hike group is over. Pretty much, water, crystal light, ice, popscicles....and salad is all I ever want. (with the occassional cookout mmmmmmmm bilary cookouts are AWESOME)

We had a swim day Tuesday, and our neighbors grilled some great bugers and dogs that Chris had gotten. mmm mmm mmm. Watermelon, freshbaked cookies, and juicy pepperjack cheeseburgers. So amazing. I am fairly positive I ate 1/2 the melon myself.

I'm down to 145 consistently. Chris is at 225. We're both holding steady. Netty says we can pick up our training soon, but honestly, in this weather, yuck. How about September? Right now, I sweat buckets just doing laundry, or pushing my kids on the swing. I think Mr. Golden Sun and the ol swimming pool is a great combo for these hot months...I'll get back to weights and squats when the temps go back below 80.

progress---or the lack there of.

Chris is getting thinner, toner and hotter. He lost another 1.5 inches from his waist and will soon be in a new pant size.
I'm feeling much like the picture above.
He is eating right.
I am stress eating, when I'm eating.
My trainer has been crazy busy and we've been unable to get together at all. Our last 2 hikes were stormed out. And, life has been so nuts the last week 1/2 that our family walks haven't happened. So, there you have it. Gross me. Hot Chris. Life...you suck!

truth time

148.2. I hate you .I despise you. I cannot ESCAPE you. Sure, I still see 146 and 145...but somehow, I always make it back to YOU. Today, I'm telling myself that it's my new and improved calf muscles building up that brings us together once again, and that in a matter of weeks, you will be a number from my past. That, unless I should go insane and choose to get pregnant again, I will never see you again. I don't care if it takes me until November to get down to 135, I'm going to get there. And, even if it takes that long, I can still say proudly that I lost 50 pounds in a year. No shame in taking a year to shed it. Who cares if the last 10 pounds took the longest to loose. THEY'LL BE GONE!

My brother sent me a link to a hilarous blog. It's called, the public humliation diet. It's riddled with the f word, as a caution http://deadspin.com/5545674/the-public-humiliation-diet-a-how+to. It has a LOT of truth to it. How posting your weight online, and weighing yourself constantly FORCES reality on that denial that says "Oh, I'm 185 today because of the weight of the jeans....or water retention." Yeah, 50 pounds of water weight is pretty unlikely.

Our hike Wednesday kicked my butt. I mean, this is week 4? I think. I'm supposed to be getting stronger, and better. I feel stronger. But something about that hike or the day, was off. I was a good 1/2-3/4 mile behind the people I'm usually leading. Chris kept having to wait for me, and he was carrying 21lb Simon on his back. My sister, KK, who you could argue is over weight, was keeping up with him, and I was barley out pacing the hikers that were nearing 300 lbs. Thankfully, a massive storm hit. I've never seen lightning so close in my life. We ran down the mountain. That's when I knew I was stronger, because I could RUN down the mountain and be fine. For a good mile I ran my guts out. I would stop to see if my sister was safe with the other hikers. She has bad ankles and knees, so running down a steep and narrow rocky trail would be been insane for her. Chris still beat me to the car by a good 15 minutes. I could (and am) feel pathetic about this. But really, that isn't going to do any good. So, instead, I will keep up our family walks, swear off my recent sugar overdosing, and try to remain positive.

They say it's good to have a mental picture of what your end goal is. This is my sister Seana. I'm not sure how old she is here....probably my current age, because it's a few years back. She is now 32, and STILL this amazing. I wouldn't sport a bikini, because no amount of nutrition and crunches is going to rid me of my 'owies' as Ava calls them, aka fire belly, aka STRETCH MARKS.

my smokin hot hubby

Here are some pictures I took of chris a couple of weeks ago on his big 29th!!! I love him so much. He's making SO much progress and I'm so proud of him!

mile by mile

So, note to self. Do not purchase snickers ice cream with the lie that you will ration it to last a long time. The truth, dear self, is that you will consume half of it in one day, and be in misery for a few days following. And, you will gain insane weight and have issues with yourself when you look in the mirror. end note.

The forecast for Wednesday is 87 degrees. This means a few things. 1. Must acquire adequate hiking beverage container. I don't really have the money to buy a camel-pak or whatever it's called, so if you'd like to lend me one...that would rock hardcore! Chris and I also need to start shopping around for real hiking boots. Especially him, since he's carrying Simon for these hikes. He needs good sturdy shoes. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with $95 for shoes.

I hope it storms tonight. I love thunder storms at night. So my goal for this month is to get down below 145. I have bootcamp on Tuesdays, hiking on Wed and Chris and I have consistantly been doing at least 1 mile a day with the kids. 1 mile isn't anything impressive, I realize this, but sometimes...it's all I have in me. It's better than nothing. We are going to buy a weight bench and weights from Clint. He's making space for the new baby I guess, and offered all his weight equip. for $70. Chris is really wanting to start working his upper body, so here's to that! Dear garage, welcome to becoming our new workout space. If anyone wants to help me think of a fun *cheap to free* way of decorating it so it's not so---garage? let me know! PROJECTS! <3

Well, here's to a new week. Hopes--that I lay off the CRAP. I've been stressed lately, and eating my way through that stress. I turn to sugar and salt for stress relief, and while it does a great job, it's extremely the wrong way to deal with things. Next week I get a sitter twice a week, so that I can go to the office. I am 100% certain, that this will bring me some peace. I need a change-let's hope this change is effective.

3.6 miles!!!

Last night our hike was the first part of the Wheeler trail in Ogden. I did not take my camera, and let me tell you that I am quite remiss about that. The views were INCREDIBLE. We hiked 1.8 miles in and then 1.8 back out. They are doing the 2nd part of it tonight, but I'll be at Ash's party, so I'll have to do it at another time.
This hike was slightly more challenging. It was .6 miles farther than our last, and the entire hike in was incline. My thighs are still tight from my Saturday run, and bootcamp on Tuesday morning. By mile 2, my legs had loosened a bit, but this morning they are right back to being sore and not stretchy at all.
Mad props to Chris who carried Simon the whole time. It was about 70 degrees, and sunny, but the trail kept us shaded. It's time to start applying mosquito spray though. We about got eaten ALIVE. Simon stayed awake for 3 miles of the hike this time. We had to stop at the 1.8 area to wait for part of the hiking group. Simon was able to get out and walk around for 10 minutes and really loved that.

Weber Pathways

Weber pathways has many programs this summer--free guided hikes all along the Wasatch mountains. (for information click here )Chris and I have joined a Wed. hiking group that meets at 6pm. Last Wednesday, we met at the 22nd trail head for a 3 mile hike. He carried Simon, and I carried Nikon. Here are some photos from our adventure.Simon reminding everyone to HYDRATE! Water is important!
Half way through we realized Simon was out! Daddy was still going strong! <3
I love the amazing views. These are just my favorite of our photos. I hope to be able to take many more as we do the next 7 weeks!

Norbert leo

Yesterday was an awful day. I had a day full of whiny kids and horrific cramps. About 4, I took 3 naproxin and by 6, was wishing I'd taken 4. By 8:30 I was exhausted and ready for bed. We brought the kids home from their play date and got ready for bed. Scripture reading didn't go very well. The kids were literally bouncing off the walls. *where do they get the energy?* Simon bounced off the bed and I had my own 3 year old moment and gave up on recounting the story of King Benjamin. I went into my room, ignored Chris's advice that I rise above it, and went to bed. My sleep was crummy, but I found myself awake at 6am with fierce cramps. I laid there for 20 minutes before deciding that I was going to take a different action today. I went downstairs, and got in my workout gear. Grabbed the ipod and earbuds and went for a run. I am not a great runner; I'm more of a power walker. But, with Norbert Leo blasting in my ear *Thank you Jason Robert Brown for inspiring his lyrics* I ran just over a mile, and power walked another. 2 miles of no cramping pain. Norbert Leo Butz has a way of reaching a level of emotion in his singing that I've never felt before. He really brings you to where he is in the music and I respect that. His voice is also completely incredible. I've you've never heard "The last 5 years," I strongly encourage you to do so. I feel energized, and a bit better than yesterday. While I'm sure the fury of the ovaries will strike again, I feel that I took charge of my day early, and hopefully I'll keep the leading role of my attitude for the day. I hope to get to go through the SL temple today with my sister. But for now, there's laundry to fold...isn't there always?

neglect

This blog has become severely neglected. Much like my weight goal. heh. Chris and I have been still doing family walks-3 miles a few times a week. He carries Simon in the hiking pack and I push Ava in the stroller. The past 4 months have been about...maintaining. I've proven to myself that I'm able to stay in this realm of 145-148. Bootcamp starts back up Tuesday at 6am. OUCH! I know. But, I'm excited. Perhaps it's this session that will get me back to the 135-140 range. This last stupid 10 pounds is just....well, you know. a BEAST! Summer time is (soon) here and that means warm weather from 6am-11pm--no excuses not for working out, walking, running, swimming. It will all be done. My hubby is strinking before my eyes. He carried Simon a 5K! that's AMAZING! We're doing this! Our kids are witnessing and living it with us. no more neglecting the blog. no more neglecting the workout. Let's get back on this and MAKE.IT.HAPPEN.

I attempted to run on Angie's treadmill today. She has an awesome Nordic Track. It has a digital screen, a built in fan like 100 different programs. When I got to the 'run' stage, I had to shut it off. I hate HATE the feeling of gravity and fat. My body sloshing up and down. It grossed me out to feel it all. How do I get beyond this? Obviously, as I run, my butt is going to jiggle and thighs etc, but how do I get to where I'm not weird-ed out by that?

biggest loser

When I was pregnant with Ava, I LOVED the Biggest Loser. The next few seasons were more drama than inspiring so I stopped tuning in. This season, however, is so amazing. Last week's episode, a 51 year old mom went home. Her 'reveal' of being home, she's down to 138 pounds. She started over 200 pounds. If she can do it...so can I. I've been so discouraged. I've spent a whole month at this stupid 145-147 mark, but I can't give up. I know that I haven't given myself the workout time that I needed, so really I should be proud that I've been able to maintain a weight all month with like 4 workouts for the whole month. Maintaining a weight is as much of the battle as losing it. I mean, what's the point of losing 50 pounds, if in 3 months, I'm packing it back on? I need to get my butt in gear over to the store and get myself some weights and roll out that rug in the garage and MAKE.IT.HAPPEN. Do I want to be successful? Do I want to love my body? When I love my body and I know that I'm making progress, I'm happier. I am more loving and affectionate with my family. Lately, I'm not feeling that proud of myself, and it's really showing in my relationship with Chris. I want to know that he's complimenting me, not because he's my husband and should love me no matter how heavy I am, but because I really am looking good. I want to be amazing for myself and for him. I want to be amazing for my kids. The better job I do at taking time to find quiet moments to check in with my Father in Heaven, and taking 30 minutes to an hour sweating out my frustrations, the happier and more functional a mother I will be. This is what it's all about. Not just some numbers on a scale, but a happier, saner me. The cuter reflection is a bonus, not the goal. It's good to take time to remember that.

log jam

I've hit another plateau it seems. I've been between 145-146.8 for like 3 weeks. I get to like 145.2 and then pop right back up to the 146.8. These things do happen. I take it as a comfort that Chris seems stuck at 232. So, we've created a way to explode this log jam of weight loss. On nice days, we pack Simon in the hiking carrier and Ava in the stroller and go for family walks. We usually go to the park and run around the soccer fields. Ava loves to be chased, and Simon gets a kick out of crawling, or being run in the carrier. Also, three times a week, we get the kids ready for bed-dinner, bath, jammies, and put them in the car. We drive out to Chris's office, they fall asleep on the way, and park them in the garage where the workout equipment is. Chris does 30 minutes on the recumbent bike, and I do 3 minutes cardio, and then 3 sets on the weight machine and back and forth. Then, Chris does 30 minutes on the weight machine. We stretch and head home. Last week was the first time Chris has worked out with me. We was sore to boot! He injured his right leg about 12 years ago in an accident. He's missing a good chunk of his leg muscle and skin, so we are limited in what he can do at the moment. No running, jumping, or heavy leg presses. Low weights, high sets. Same results just a little slower. His legs are already the sexiest muscles I've ever seen from walking all over on his mission, so I'm not too concerned. We're mainly working on his upper body strength with the machine. I'm hoping we're still on track to hit our goals.

bye bye fat face--hello single chin

Check out the blog title picture vs. my head shot. Kind of crazy. My chin and neck are no longer melting into each other. Single chin is BACK!

not the best week--but better days are ahead

So, my little man turned 1 this week~ very exciting!!! We had a fun party for him, and I fell off the healthy eating wagon --more like, bungee jumped off the wagon. I've been really good about not eating CRAP, because I simply don't buy it. If it's not here, then it's not available for me to misbehave. We got chips, cupcakes and sodas for Simon's party. Pam brought yummy sugar cookies. Chris and I made our own onion dip for the chips--which ROCKED--and the whole day was one massive caffine, sugar and carb fest for me. I have consumed so much Vanilla Coke zero it's a little redic. Sure, it has 0 calories and 0 carbs, but I know what caffine does to the whole digestive process, and it's no bueno. It may take a week for my body to balance out my sugar levels. I could not leave the Limon chips alone. OH MY HEAVENS THEY ARE AMAZING! I didn't have too many cupcakes, because, thankfully, I'm not a big cupcake fan. This is not failure, just a few scrapes and bruises in my new lifestyle. The only way I fail is if I choose to not get back on my feet and run like hell to get myself back on the healthy wagon. I have lost 40 pounds in the past 12 months. I have another 10 to go. My goal date is May 7--my 26th birthday. This will require my being more diligent and intentional about my workouts--they've gotten pretty sparse. This also means staying on top of my nutrition and choking down my protein shakes at least 3 times a week. I am down to 145.2 Chris is down to 232. May 7 we hope to be down to me at 135 and Chris at 215-and down again to 200 by his 29th birthday on May 30. Goal weights are our birthday gifts to ourselves. 30 pounds for Chris in 2 months may seem challenging, and indeed, it may become so, but I think he can do it! We're a great team, and we're going to be one HOT couple baby!

our update

Well, since I am no longer in this weight loss adventure alone, THANK GOODNESS, I figured it was time for an update. Nothing all too lengthy to say really. We went and bought Chris new jeans. Chris is a tall man, but not unusually tall. He's about 6'2, but what's rare about Chris is that he's got a super long torso, and very long legs. He's a 34" leg for jeans. This makes jean shopping a bit of a challenge. Chris has gone from needing a 40 waist to a 38! Can we get a WOOT! WOOT! Heaven knows Chris has no butt, so this means he's lost 2" from his belly. This is amazing progress. We THANKFULLY found 3 pair of new jeans for him after a week of hunting. Finding jeans in his size--that are under $40 a pair was indeed a challenge, but we did it. $20 a pair! I feel very proud of that number. His old jeans will be donated to the jean quilt collection, as they are all holey and gross anyway. He weighed in today at 234.2. As we were walking today, he had Simon in a hiking carrier. He mentioned that even wearing our almost 12 month old son, Simon, he was weighing less than he was in December. That's a little perspective for you.

I am excited to report that I'm approaching goal number 1, which is 145. I am currently at 146.8. I was stuck in the 150s for what seemed like forever, and the 140s is also slow and steady decreases. I've had to slow down the protein shakes, due to internal digestive troubles with it. I was recommended an herbal tea to help solve that problem. It worked GREAT for Chris, but sadly, not so well for me. So I expect the next 10 pounds to take a few months of hard old fashioned workouts, but that's ok by me. Being healthy is a lifestyle for us, not just about hitting a goal weight and then working my way back up to 180. NO WAY! Well, part of a successful weightloss program is sleep, and it's nearly 1am and I have church at 9, which means...

the copec

My hubby. I love him. Dearly. And this post is about his fighting of the girth. Chris was extremely supportive when I began this journey. He helped me find the money in the budget to do the boot camp, and was always 100% ready to take the kids when it was time for me to be at a workout, even when that meant Saturday mornings were all on him. I never imagined the ripple effect we'd now be seeing. Chris is 6'2 and very well built. He has a long torso and long legs, a figure that many people would dream of. Even though I've never seen him do any sort of serious workout he has the SEXIEST calf muscles I've never seen--and thanks to his leg injury, you can see his right calf muscle up close and in action. Seriously, his legs, wow. Before his injury, he was on the swim team at Freemont High. He was long and lanky. Then, his junior year, he lost part of his right leg, and spent a year recovering. He put on some weight in his early 20s and then went on his mission to my lovely home state. Walking the never ending rolling hill streets of PA helped him to strengthen his injured leg, and get back to a healthy weight. His MTC pictures vs. mission pictures are so vastly different. Anyway, when we got married, he was about 250 pounds and has always been about there. He was about 260 in December, when our eating out budget became my boot camp money and the fast food industry was sabotaging my hard work. I've been cooking dinners at home, and he's been very good about only eating lunch out when he can't get away from his desk. Now and then, I even take him lunch. Chris is now down to 235 pounds. It's been not even 3 months and he's dropped 25 pounds without even trying. He's lost 5 in the past week just by having a protein shake at breakfast everyday-instead of skipping that meal all together-and one with either lunch or dinner. Due to school and work schedules being so insanely demanding. He comes home and spends a good 40 minutes throwing the kids around and chasing them everywhere, which I have decided is his workout. And that's only if I have dinner done on time. Sometimes they get a good hour or so to beat on daddy. I'm so proud of Chris. He loves to have the freedom to eat out, and grab his whatever at the corner store, but he's turned a corner lately and decided to be healthier. He's setting such a great example for me and our kids. I am excited for this summer; he'll have a break from school, and we'll both have the energy to be able to take the kids hiking and swimming.

sweaty smelly chica

Ok, so due to life...I never really finished out my 2nd round of bootcamp--technically. Time ran out and I probably forfeited 4 sessions...let's not talk about that stupid tax. Anyway, it's been probably a month since I've had an all out-sweat dripping, muscle burning workout. I've kept up on my nutrition, cooking at home and all that jazz. I'm down to nursing just once or twice a day, so while I was at costco last week I picked up some protein shake powder. I am not a big meat eater---not that I'm a vegitarian, I enjoy a bloody stake now and then, but I'd rather have a good hearty plate of pasta and half a loaf of fresh bread any day. While I was nursing full time, I had a great excuse to ignore the whole protein powder alternative. I have to say, that this brand is EXTREMELY good. (as far as protein powders are concerned.) Anyone looking for a great alternative to eating meat and a dozen eggs every day, this is worth your time. Chris has started using it with me. We got it last Friday--and the guy has already lost 5 lbs...but this isn't about his crazy success....that is a post all of its own. I use it in the morning, for lunch and if I work out I usually take a dose after. I mix it with yogurt now and then to add variety. I got it at Costco--and their website has a coupon. I think it was like $20. Chris also uses it as a breakfast and it has saved us at least that much--since he no longer frequents the local rancheritas for breakfast burritos or corner store for ....whatever craptastic food he was buying there. I have lost 4 pounds since using it. More than that, my constant craving to eat anything and everything is gone. It really does fill me up. It gives me energy. I am hypoglycemic, which means I need to eat often, but since this is such high protein, it has does wonders for leveling out my blood sugar. Anway, enough about that. Wow, they should pay me for that kind of publicity..since all of ....1 person reads this. yeah. anyway.

This week, I started working out again. Monday, I worked out at Chris's office. I started on the treadmill and got bored. Turned on the CD player, and realized...it doesn't work if the treadmill is running. It took me .06 seconds to decide I'd rather run laps around the 45 cars parked in the office garage than go without music for an hour. I alternated between the weight machine, using the stationary bike--with no batteries ugh riding without resistance is boring--and weight machine, along with some floor exercises and lunges. I learned a few things that night.
1. I still LOVE Seussical the musical and desperately want to be GERTRUDE in a production of it.
2. It is possible to work out all by myself for a full hour
3. I miss working out. It made me sleep better, and helped me elevate my mood quite a bit

So, tonight, I put on my Jillian Michael's 30 day shred. Bec and Nat have been using this from what I hear. It has three 20 minute workouts. You start on 1 and in 10 days go to 2. etc. All I can say is... step 1 is a cake walk. IF you want to see a difficult workout, meet Hardbody Fitness. Annette Taylor will kick your butt so hard, you'll get the butt of a 17 year old Latina. Step 1 ended and I literally though, really? that's it? All these reviews whined about how hard this initial workout is and on and on. I barely started to burn. I did get a good cardio, but never got out of breath. WEAK SAUCE!!! Tomorrow I progress to step 2.

Weight stats-148.6 I have no idea my measurement loss, because I have no tape measure, and measuring myself wouldn't be accurate. Total weight lost since Nov-20 pounds.

I started this whole thing in November at almost 170 pounds. I haven't been hard core, and yet I've seen massive changes in my body, my emotions, my confidence. I seriously believe that little changes matter. I wanted something I can live with, not just dive into for a couple of months and then abandon. It's been a great 4 months. My goal weight is 135. I'm not sure if I will get that tiny--it's not something I can really see. Mostly, my goal is to be healthy and feel comfortable in my skin. To not be double checking my reflection before a picture, in case my fat roll is sticking out--I'm a serious victim of this tragedy. My attitudes about having a personal trainer have been completely changed. I think it's crucial to have someone who knows what they are doing by you, training you, teaching you...so that you can work out correctly and effectively. It makes a huge difference. If you need a referral, I' know a great one. She kicked my butt from a 14 to a 6 in about 8 weeks. Now it's time for a shower...post workout body smell is not hot.

Shopping HELL!

So here I sit. Size 6. 150 lbs. I am raging with anxiety. So I've done it. I've lost 30 pounds since Simon was born, and have gone from a 14 to a 6. Tomorrow I have to attend an open house for our Salt Lake office, and have nothing to wear. Shopping after shedding 30 pounds should be fun. It's not. It's horrible. Especially, when you're alone. I've realized, that fat or thin, the store never has what you want in your size. It used to be that I'd find what I wanted and it was TINY. now, I find what I want and it's only available in 14-18. And what's with the fashion? It was 2004 the last time I was this small, and let me tell you something...the style is WAY different. There's layering, and frilly all over the chest and puffy sleeves. I don't understand any of it. I've spent years watching WHAT NOT TO WEAR, and wondering why people are always having mental breakdowns after shopping-well, I now understand. It's frustrating! I have no IDEA what I'm doing out there. I look in the mirror and see the same me I see in the pictures from last year when I was pushin 180. I haven't mentally or emotionally lost weight.
I'm terrified of being at that function tomorrow. I've worked from home for 3 years. I've spent the majority of that time having very limited contact with adults. I'm a total social NIGHTMARE! I can't sleep. It's 1am. I know Ava will be up at 7, because I put her to bed at 7pm. Chris is snoring. My heart is racing just thinking about tomorrow and I can't help but want to run away. WHO THE HECK is this person I've become?!!? I thought when I lost that weight, and found my old body, that I'd find my old self, but really...I'm just as crazy as ever...with less padding.

this is a joke....right? Uh I guess not.

I'm nearing the end of BOOTY BOOT CAMP ROUND 2. Yesterday, as my alarm went off at 5:25am I quickly (as quick as one can be at that horrid hour) found the off switch and continued to lay there debating in my mind if I was really going to go. Melissa had told me she would not be there. It's difficult for me to go when I know she won't be there, because she motivates me. I feed off of her energy and her strength and focus. I knew it would be rude to Annette to just not show up, so I slumped out of bed in persuit of my work out gear. Even as I was pulling out of my driveway I was tempted to pull back into the house and crawl back under the covers until my children demanded my attention. Annette was unlocking the gate when I pulled up. I got out of my car, and walked toward her and heard an awful ringing noise. The building's alarm was sounding, and she was frantically sorting through business cards in her car to find the alarm code. We went back in and she frantically began putting in the code over and over, with no luck. Jewel arrived and Annette assured us everything would be fine, and to start warming up. The annoying alarm had ended, and a softer one continued to sound. We figured that a cop would arrive, we'd show him our key, he'd turn off the alarm and all would be well. Jewel and I were doing agility runs...from cone to wall...to 2nd cone to wall...to anyway. I heard Annette say that a cop was pulling up while I was on round 2 of this...i was concentrating on not passing out--as running and I don't really mix. I got to cone 2, turned and began springing back to the wall. I looked up and the cop was yelling at Annette. I must have slowed to a walk, when I saw him pull his gun, and point it screaming 'ON YOUR KNEES NOW! GET YOUR HANDS UP INTO THE AIR' She was arguing with the cop as she slowly got down to the floor. She kept telling him, ' I HAVE A KEY! Someone changed the alarm code and didn't let me know!" I thought, surely this was a joke. No way is a cop pointing his gun at my trainer. He ignored her and pointed the gun at me next, instructing me to get down on my knees. I did so, trying my hardest not to have a Diane Keaton emotional freakout. Then he turned to Jewel, and she got down as well. He went off on us asking what we were doing in a warehouse at 6am (and I'm going dude, tell me about it! 6am workouts are insane) All the while Annette is trying to explain that we have access to the building and this is all a mistake. Within 10 minutes he finally calmed down, put his gun away and started listening to her. Annette told me and Jewel to continue with our workout, which we did. I honestly don't remember much of what we did. I was just going through the motions, trying to keep myself calm. I couldn't belive what had happened. It's like I went from 'The Biggest Loser' to a bad episode of 'Cops.' It turns out that the previous tenant was pretty pissed off about having to move out. Tuesday, he had come to get the last of his things, and reset the alarm code on the building as a 'SCREW YOU!' to the owner. Nice eh? By 7am, the cops had reached the owner and verified that we weren't 6am vacant warehouse dwelling drug smugglers in sports bras, but a valid workout group. Go figure. I must look more bada$$ than I thought these days.