self medicating with Carbs

I have gained 6 pounds since my miscarriage last Friday (19th.) Six. I hadn't gained any weight in the first 3 months of my pregnancy...actually due to morning sickness, I was down a few pounds, but it seems that my mind, body or something is coping with the loss of my baby with carbs. I feel like a robot. I just shove food into my mouth, serving after serving, without even thinking. I don't get a 'full feeling' ever, so I just keep eating. Now, it's true that I was nauseated for the majority of my 12 weeks of pregnancy, so maybe it's just that I have an appetite back, so somewhere I am embracing that. But the longer this continues, and the more I'm coming to realize what I'm doing to myself...the more sick I get about it.

I need to hold myself accountable. Just because I lost my baby, doesn't mean I should let myself get lost as well. Right now, it's not about a fear of being fat. It's about a fear of being unhealthy and thus making my family unhealthy. I need a new plan. I need to start writing things down again. Establish a pattern to reboot my habits. So, welcome back to the blog that started it all 12 months ago.

Starting Weight 147. I have to get my hands on a measuring tape to post measurements.

plateau broken?

plateau broken?

I don't want to get my hopes TOO high, but I think I may have FINALLY broken the 145 streak. I've been stuck at 145-148 for MONTHS AND MONTHS. Like 3-4 months. This past weekend I weighed in at 144 for the first time since like February. I was at 142 in the winter, put on 5 pounds in the spring and could not get rid of them.

I start bootcamp again in a month or so. Now that the air isn't 90 degrees at 6am. This should help me lose these last 10 pounds. 135 is my ultimate goal. I've given myself until November to get there. It will make 1 year to lose the 50 pounds.

My desire to to stay below 140 for a year before Chris and I start trying for a 3rd. I know. I know. I say every day 100 times a day that I'm done, but we all know there's a 3rd baby. I just can't think about even having that baby until we are a year closer to Chris graduating, and it would be nice if by the time she comes, that Simon is in preschool and Ava is in 1st grade, so that I actually have time for the babe. So, there. Happy? I said it. There's a 3rd. There's a plan for the 3rd to come. I just need to be healthier. Happier. And far LESS busy.

holding steady

There haven't been many posts here, because there is nothing to really report. By 9am, by house is at 80 degrees every day so, exercise isn't really happening. Our hike group is over. Pretty much, water, crystal light, ice, popscicles....and salad is all I ever want. (with the occassional cookout mmmmmmmm bilary cookouts are AWESOME)

We had a swim day Tuesday, and our neighbors grilled some great bugers and dogs that Chris had gotten. mmm mmm mmm. Watermelon, freshbaked cookies, and juicy pepperjack cheeseburgers. So amazing. I am fairly positive I ate 1/2 the melon myself.

I'm down to 145 consistently. Chris is at 225. We're both holding steady. Netty says we can pick up our training soon, but honestly, in this weather, yuck. How about September? Right now, I sweat buckets just doing laundry, or pushing my kids on the swing. I think Mr. Golden Sun and the ol swimming pool is a great combo for these hot months...I'll get back to weights and squats when the temps go back below 80.

progress---or the lack there of.

Chris is getting thinner, toner and hotter. He lost another 1.5 inches from his waist and will soon be in a new pant size.
I'm feeling much like the picture above.
He is eating right.
I am stress eating, when I'm eating.
My trainer has been crazy busy and we've been unable to get together at all. Our last 2 hikes were stormed out. And, life has been so nuts the last week 1/2 that our family walks haven't happened. So, there you have it. Gross me. Hot Chris. Life...you suck!

truth time

148.2. I hate you .I despise you. I cannot ESCAPE you. Sure, I still see 146 and 145...but somehow, I always make it back to YOU. Today, I'm telling myself that it's my new and improved calf muscles building up that brings us together once again, and that in a matter of weeks, you will be a number from my past. That, unless I should go insane and choose to get pregnant again, I will never see you again. I don't care if it takes me until November to get down to 135, I'm going to get there. And, even if it takes that long, I can still say proudly that I lost 50 pounds in a year. No shame in taking a year to shed it. Who cares if the last 10 pounds took the longest to loose. THEY'LL BE GONE!

My brother sent me a link to a hilarous blog. It's called, the public humliation diet. It's riddled with the f word, as a caution http://deadspin.com/5545674/the-public-humiliation-diet-a-how+to. It has a LOT of truth to it. How posting your weight online, and weighing yourself constantly FORCES reality on that denial that says "Oh, I'm 185 today because of the weight of the jeans....or water retention." Yeah, 50 pounds of water weight is pretty unlikely.

Our hike Wednesday kicked my butt. I mean, this is week 4? I think. I'm supposed to be getting stronger, and better. I feel stronger. But something about that hike or the day, was off. I was a good 1/2-3/4 mile behind the people I'm usually leading. Chris kept having to wait for me, and he was carrying 21lb Simon on his back. My sister, KK, who you could argue is over weight, was keeping up with him, and I was barley out pacing the hikers that were nearing 300 lbs. Thankfully, a massive storm hit. I've never seen lightning so close in my life. We ran down the mountain. That's when I knew I was stronger, because I could RUN down the mountain and be fine. For a good mile I ran my guts out. I would stop to see if my sister was safe with the other hikers. She has bad ankles and knees, so running down a steep and narrow rocky trail would be been insane for her. Chris still beat me to the car by a good 15 minutes. I could (and am) feel pathetic about this. But really, that isn't going to do any good. So, instead, I will keep up our family walks, swear off my recent sugar overdosing, and try to remain positive.

They say it's good to have a mental picture of what your end goal is. This is my sister Seana. I'm not sure how old she is here....probably my current age, because it's a few years back. She is now 32, and STILL this amazing. I wouldn't sport a bikini, because no amount of nutrition and crunches is going to rid me of my 'owies' as Ava calls them, aka fire belly, aka STRETCH MARKS.

my smokin hot hubby

Here are some pictures I took of chris a couple of weeks ago on his big 29th!!! I love him so much. He's making SO much progress and I'm so proud of him!

mile by mile

So, note to self. Do not purchase snickers ice cream with the lie that you will ration it to last a long time. The truth, dear self, is that you will consume half of it in one day, and be in misery for a few days following. And, you will gain insane weight and have issues with yourself when you look in the mirror. end note.

The forecast for Wednesday is 87 degrees. This means a few things. 1. Must acquire adequate hiking beverage container. I don't really have the money to buy a camel-pak or whatever it's called, so if you'd like to lend me one...that would rock hardcore! Chris and I also need to start shopping around for real hiking boots. Especially him, since he's carrying Simon for these hikes. He needs good sturdy shoes. I'm having a hard time coming to terms with $95 for shoes.

I hope it storms tonight. I love thunder storms at night. So my goal for this month is to get down below 145. I have bootcamp on Tuesdays, hiking on Wed and Chris and I have consistantly been doing at least 1 mile a day with the kids. 1 mile isn't anything impressive, I realize this, but sometimes...it's all I have in me. It's better than nothing. We are going to buy a weight bench and weights from Clint. He's making space for the new baby I guess, and offered all his weight equip. for $70. Chris is really wanting to start working his upper body, so here's to that! Dear garage, welcome to becoming our new workout space. If anyone wants to help me think of a fun *cheap to free* way of decorating it so it's not so---garage? let me know! PROJECTS! <3

Well, here's to a new week. Hopes--that I lay off the CRAP. I've been stressed lately, and eating my way through that stress. I turn to sugar and salt for stress relief, and while it does a great job, it's extremely the wrong way to deal with things. Next week I get a sitter twice a week, so that I can go to the office. I am 100% certain, that this will bring me some peace. I need a change-let's hope this change is effective.